Reading Tonight

My friend Ronda lives down the hall and is letting me use her treadmill. While I'm there, I've also been raiding her really good book collection. Anyway, the first time I read this book, I cried through the whole thing (and I wasn't even pregnant). It's been good to pick it up again and think through it. Here's what stuck at me from it today:

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

"After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life woudn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seems so unimportant, filled not with ramance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are cloesest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

"Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message tot he rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."