I was so anxious to get to camp, I kept pushing Josh to move earlier. Now that I'm here, I want to go home so badly. I keep thinking, this will be better once our carpet comes in! But seriously, it's deeper than that. I am so restless, always have been. Maybe I always will be. I just want to be content!
I've really been struggling with the boys. Aaron has never had temper tantrums before. Then again, neither have I. Not in a while, anyway! Ha. I suppose my family might beg to differ.
I am just so bored. I can only play cars for so many minutes. Or ball. Or sandbox. I wonder where my imagination went. I wonder if I should try to get it back. I wonder if I should just get on with my life and get a job. A "real" job. Yikes.
Then I try to reevaluate what is important to me. Why am I home with my babies? Is it really best for them that I'm home? What if I'm moody? Is it still best for them?
The other issue is that I'm living at a Christian residential camp. I had a breakthrough with God a little while back. I can't remember now if I blogged about it now, but anyway it happened. I don't even really know what exactly happened, but something broke open and I felt I could pray again, believe again, trust again. However, the religion part still makes me uncomfortable, and there is a whole lot of that going on at a church camp!
I don't want the boys to sense my resistance to it, but I'm sure they do. Babies are sensitive. I want them to know God. Strangely enough, I want them in church, I want them in Sunday School. I want them to learn the songs, color the pictures of Jesus with his long hair and even longer robes. Those things stuck with me. I guess it's the "adult" church I'm not really interested in for them: the push to do "good" things, the persistent attitude that sex is bad (it is good in its right context, I hate that it's packaged as a "bad" thing to kids), the hiding our weaknesses so we can all appear so perfect.
Ok, it's late and I'm spacing out. 12:00am and Josh is still at work. The first campers come tomorrow. I love you, baby.
Farewell, Sweet Office
14 years ago
3 comments:
Is there anywhere near camp where you can take the boys for some activities? Maybe at the local YMCA?
Wow Sarah, I wish we lived close to each other so we could talk. I love your raw honestly and I feel your struggles. I guess... thank you? or keep it up? or i'll be praying for you?, I don't know. But I'm listening and feelin' it with you...
sarah -- I love reading your blog -- about your daily life, the boys growing, just whatever, but I really love when you write honest posts like these because I find something so familiar about what you are saying that it makes me feel better knowing that maybe lots of other people struggle in the same way... there's just this illusion of perfection out there that I struggle with because I am CLEARLY not! it's so much more than that -- the internal struggle. so, yeah, like Michelle said.. thank you ... keep it up. . . i'll be praying fo you . . . all three.
mary
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